Meet Your Goals: Strategies for becoming more assertive

In order to understand what is meant by assertive behaviour, it is necessary to think about what constitutes passive and aggressive styles of communication.

Passive style is characterised by:

·         Inaction and indecision.

·         A tendency to be easy to get along with and pleasant.

·         An unwillingness to stand up for your rights for fear of offending others.

·         Discomfort at expressing anger.

·         A tendency to deny or suppress feelings.

·         Resentment under the surface producing stress and tension.

                                                        

Aggressive style is characterised by:

·         Intrusiveness.

·         Anger and domination that alienates others who oppose you.

·         Usually suspicious of others.

·         Stress and the inability to form close, trusting and caring interpersonal relationships.

Assertive style is characterised by:

·         Fairness and strength of character.

·         The ability to stand up for your rights in a non-threatening manner.

·         Sensitivity to the rights and feelings of others.

·         A relaxed and easy going style.

·         Openness about your feelings.

·         Good mechanisms for coping with stress and the ability to maintain long-standing intimate relationships.

A three line message

In a difficult situation where you want to say “no” but fear you will say “yes” or where the subject matter makes you feel uncomfortable, such as asking for a pay increase, it is advisable to prepare a three line message.  This can take the following pattern:

·         You understand and summarise the facts of the situation

·         You indicate your feelings towards the situation

·         Your state your requirements, reasons and benefits to the other person

For example:

When you………(state facts)

I feel uncomfortable ……..  (state feelings)

I would like ……… (state requirements) and in this way we will be able to work more effectively together ……..(state benefits)

How can you be more assertive?

There are many strategies that will help you be more assertive.  Here are a few to get you started:

·         Acknowledge and be honest to yourself about your own feelings.

·         Adopt a new positive inner dialogue for situations where you need to be more assertive.

·         Be clear, specific and direct in what you say.  Practice your communication beforehand.

·         If appropriate, keep repeating your message if you encounter objections and remember to keep your voice down and your emotions in check.

·         If necessary, ask for clarification if you are uncertain about something.

·         Adopt appropriate body language to back up your assertion.

·         Keep calm and stick to the point.

·         Always respect the rights of the other person.

·         Take time out if you feel weakened or threatened by the situation.

And finally

Ask these questions next time you have a difficult conversation planned:

·         What is my desired outcome?

·         At which point will I settle?

·         What will I agree to ‘trade off’ in order to get a settlement?

·         How can I express my message more clearly?

·         How can I be more specific about what I say?

·         Will I feel comfortable doing this?

·         Can I stick to my message?

·         What body language will I use to back up my message?

Coaches at Meet Your Goals can help with all aspects of career and performance management and meetings can be conducted face to face, by email at Kathy.whymark@meetyourgoals.co.uk or by telephone 01428 653977/ 07826 077140.